Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sleeping Alone

For the last ten years Michael and I have shared a bed. And for ten years we have griped and complained and whined over each other's bad sleeping habits. I steal the covers, he tosses and turns (violently), I snore, he wheezes, I have violent nightmares where I lash out and beat him senseless because I think he's a giant granddaddy longlegs, he rubs his feet together like a cricket.... I could go on. But last night none of these things mattered because I slept alone. He slept on an airmattress in our livingroom and I slpet alone in our too small bed. It's funny how a full sized bed can seem small when two people are in it but downright enormous when you're alone. My bed is huge. I kept rolling over and my wall was gone, if I'd wanted to I could've rolled twice. Nothing, or rather no one was there to stop me. The covers were all mine, I didn't have to worry about making too much noise, I was alone.
This morning I got up to pee and I had to tiptoe past him on my way to the bathroom. He was sleeping peacefully, soundly, lightly snoring on the floor with our dogs curled around him. I guess sleep is yet another thing he doesn't need me for.

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At Tue May 29, 09:41:00 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

I am here for you if you need to talk. I love you.

 

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Diarrhia of the Mouth

I just ate ten low-fat Oreos and a piece of strawberry pie. They didn't make me feel better. I feel worse because now I have a tummy ache.
One day I will learn that some things are better left unsaid. Namely, any thought that I have about my husband, his behavior, and the state of our "blessed" union. All of these topics are no touchy, no say-ee, just keep your fucking mouth shut and move on. Just keep my mouth shut and pretend that I am OK with this little life that we have fallen into together. Notice I didn't say chose together, because I truly believe that neither of us would have chosen our current situation. In fact, I wish that one of us were strong enough to unchoose it. But we're not.
Micheal left. I don't expect him home tonight.
We have now entered that it's-just-easier-to-coexist phase. Only when I am dumb enough to open my big fat mouth and say something is it that we notice how miserable we both are. He's a good man for staying with me, he feels obligated I guess, but he doesn't like me, he's made this abundantly clear. And I resent him for this dislike, also, I've made this abundantly clear. This seems to be the only aspect of our marriage that we can agree on, we don't like each other. The fact that we manage to live in 500 square feet together and haven't killed each other is a testament to our forgotten love, but I don't think it's enough. I think we may be nearing the end.
My school ends in December, our lease ends in March. New York requires a one year legal separation, but I don't think that will be necessary. We were married in Tennessee, I will simply move away, we'll both move on. He won't miss me because he says he doesn't need me. He can have his food delivered, even his groceries can be brought to his door. The same goes for his laundry and dogwalkers are easy to find. Automatic bill pay and direct deposit, weekly maid service... without me he would have disposable income to fund his "help," so I guess he's right, I'm not needed. As far as sex goes, well, he says he doesn't enjoy it with me so I guess that would be a plus for him too, he can finally go out and fuck that sex vixen that he seems to believe is every woman but me.
A wasted vacation, a wasted ten years, he's conceded so much for me. This is how he feels. He feels that I am a waste, a drain, a bad wife. He said I am a bad wife. I don't fuck his brains out every afternoon and I am constantly grumpy and I complain about everything and everyone and I believe that everyone is against me and that everyone is out to get me. This is how he views me. He sees me as a nagging, hateful, bad wife who is frigid and a drain on his house.
Funny. The people I work with always tell me how nice I am and how I always seem so happy to be at work. Maybe I am, maybe I'm happy to be away from him. My friends tell me that I am upbeat and that I have such a positive attitude. My professor said he could "see the joy" about one of my designs. But again, these things have nothing to do with Micheal. I try so hard to not complain, to not tell him the bad things. I listen to his complaints, I baby him when he's sick, I try to take care of him as best as I know how, but he still hates me and he doesn't see me. He sees a girl that he wants to hate, that he wants to be as miserable as he is, and he projects his misery on me so that it will be easy for him to leave me. He hates me. Maybe he sees the real me. Maybe I am that girl, maybe I am a bad wife. And a bad person. God knows I'd be a bad mom, that's why I've never gotten pregnant, God is smart enough to know that if I can't take care of my husband and my marriage that I'd never be able to care for a baby. I'm bad.

1 Comments:

At Sat May 19, 09:46:00 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

Oh sweetheart. My heart is breaking for you right now. Please tell me. Can I do anything? Would you like to come to Georgia for a bit... have a breather? Drink too much wine and fall asleep on the couch? My door is always open for you and you always have a place in my heart.

 

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Seal it with a Kiss


So my baby brother is now a married man and another Monk woman has been added to the mix. I still don't like her, but he loves her and so that must mean something. He is good and kind and loved by all... surely she is worthy. He chose her afterall....

1 Comments:

At Sat May 19, 09:42:00 AM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

For the record... that boy is FAR too grown up to be Spencer...

 

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Painting with Flowers




Last year I worked as a horticulturalist (fancy titile for Gardener) for Hudson River Park. I never felt that I was doing much there as far as getting to design really make a difference in the look of the gardens. Then, last fall the lady that I worked with, aka my boss, called in sick and left a message that I was to spend the day planting 600 tulip bulbs along the river. I was told that I had creative freedom as far as where I wanted to plant them.
This is what I did.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Yes, I am still alive


So, I have been off the market now for quite a while I guess. I have been working my ass off with school and work and husband and dogs and more school and oh I don't know, just life. But, now I have one more test and then I am done with school for a few weeks and I can concentrate on all the other things in my life that matter, like attending the wedding and college graduation of my baby brother (to his hooker girlfriend).
But lets' not dwell on that. Instead, lets recap the last few weeks.
Went to work for a landscape design firm. Hated it. Quit.
Got a job as a horticulturalist for Battery Park City Parks. Love it. I am again working outside in probably the most beautiful park in the city. Not only is it beautiful, but it is green (as in environmentally friendly, as in no chemicals are used and we make our own compost and use rainwater for irrigation... it's amazing.) I'm riding my bike to work, working with some of the smartest, nicest people, and basically just loving life. ( this would be where a sigh of contentment would be inserted.)
Then... I have been awarded an internship with New Yorkers for Parks, this amazing non-profit that helps build and restore park throughout the city. (yes, I'm a bleeding heart liberal, I know I know I know) I am so excited, it's exactly the kind of place I hope to work for when I finish school and this internship is my foot in the door. Who knew that I could actually be sucessful at something I truly love?!
And... my final design presentation for school went amazingly well. My teacher praised me and my design and he sent me a glowing review. I could not have been happier. (This happiness has nothing to do with the fact that all the girls in my class, myself included, have silly crushes on this oh-so-cute prof - even Michael was slightly entranced by his smile) I truly wanted this man's approval, and the fact that he gave it to me, well, I'm still blushing from my happiness.
So, now I am back. And for the first time in a long time I can honestly say that life is good, no, life is damn good.

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