I just ate ten low-fat Oreos and a piece of strawberry pie. They didn't make me feel better. I feel worse because now I have a tummy ache.
One day I will learn that some things are better left unsaid. Namely, any thought that I have about my husband, his behavior, and the state of our "blessed" union. All of these topics are no touchy, no say-ee, just keep your fucking mouth shut and move on. Just keep my mouth shut and pretend that I am OK with this little life that we have fallen into together. Notice I didn't say chose together, because I truly believe that neither of us would have chosen our current situation. In fact, I wish that one of us were strong enough to unchoose it. But we're not.
Micheal left. I don't expect him home tonight.
We have now entered that it's-just-easier-to-coexist phase. Only when I am dumb enough to open my big fat mouth and say something is it that we notice how miserable we both are. He's a good man for staying with me, he feels obligated I guess, but he doesn't like me, he's made this abundantly clear. And I resent him for this dislike, also, I've made this abundantly clear. This seems to be the only aspect of our marriage that we can agree on, we don't like each other. The fact that we manage to live in 500 square feet together and haven't killed each other is a testament to our forgotten love, but I don't think it's enough. I think we may be nearing the end.
My school ends in December, our lease ends in March. New York requires a one year legal separation, but I don't think that will be necessary. We were married in Tennessee, I will simply move away, we'll both move on. He won't miss me because he says he doesn't need me. He can have his food delivered, even his groceries can be brought to his door. The same goes for his laundry and dogwalkers are easy to find. Automatic bill pay and direct deposit, weekly maid service... without me he would have disposable income to fund his "help," so I guess he's right, I'm not needed. As far as sex goes, well, he says he doesn't enjoy it with me so I guess that would be a plus for him too, he can finally go out and fuck that sex vixen that he seems to believe is every woman but me.
A wasted vacation, a wasted ten years, he's conceded so much for me. This is how he feels. He feels that I am a waste, a drain, a bad wife. He said I am a bad wife. I don't fuck his brains out every afternoon and I am constantly grumpy and I complain about everything and everyone and I believe that everyone is against me and that everyone is out to get me. This is how he views me. He sees me as a nagging, hateful, bad wife who is frigid and a drain on his house.
Funny. The people I work with always tell me how nice I am and how I always seem so happy to be at work. Maybe I am, maybe I'm happy to be away from him. My friends tell me that I am upbeat and that I have such a positive attitude. My professor said he could "see the joy" about one of my designs. But again, these things have nothing to do with Micheal. I try so hard to not complain, to not tell him the bad things. I listen to his complaints, I baby him when he's sick, I try to take care of him as best as I know how, but he still hates me and he doesn't see me. He sees a girl that he wants to hate, that he wants to be as miserable as he is, and he projects his misery on me so that it will be easy for him to leave me. He hates me. Maybe he sees the real me. Maybe I am that girl, maybe I am a bad wife. And a bad person. God knows I'd be a bad mom, that's why I've never gotten pregnant, God is smart enough to know that if I can't take care of my husband and my marriage that I'd never be able to care for a baby. I'm bad.
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I am here for you if you need to talk. I love you.
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