10...

Sometimes I joke that Michael suffers from diarrhea of the mouth because his filter function is very rarely turned on and he tends to say whatever comes to his mind whenever it comes to his mind.
But... I think that this might actually be my problem, not his.
Lately, I seem to be unable to filter the anxious thoughts that are flowing through my head and I seem to be saying (ok yelling) things I would normally keep to myself. Like, I don't want to go to Jackson. Like, I don't have anything there...
I am scared and I am stressed, but that doesn't make my recent attempts at alienating myself from my entire family right. It doesn't change the fact that I have basically just been a royal bitch.
I am hoping that in ten days my attitude will change and I will be the girl that everyone always described as "so sweet." Until then, I am offering up a stock apology to anyone who is unfortunate enough to cross paths with me. This apology in no way gives me license to behave poorly, but hopefully it will serve as a reminder that I do know I am being a butt and I am trying to control it and I feel bad about it.

November 29, 1999

Eight years ago today I boarded a Delta airplane from TYS and flew into JFK to begin my new life as a flight attendant. I was on board with Ginger, a friend from college, and we cried the entire flight. We were greeted at the gate by Patricia McCallister, an inflight supervisor, born and raised New York, with 4-inch stillettos, 3-inch bright red nails, and 4-ft bouffant hair. Her skirt was up to here and her blouse was down to there, she called us "doll" and had us truly wondering what we had gotten ourselves into. By the time I made it to my tiny apartment on W12th St late that night I was in a daze of lights and traffic and noise. My new roommate, Tara, had driven me in from Queens and going over the Queensboro Bridge she said, "Welcome to your new playground." And I started crying again.
I don't think I stopped crying those first few months. I was so lost. Lost going to the airport, lost once I got to the airport, lost in cities and towns all over the world, just lost. But at some point, I found my way. I figured out the buses and the subway. I learned how to do my own laundry and then how to get someone else to do my laundry for me, I learned where to buy the best coffee, and how to get into museums for free. I learned the ins and outs of this terrifying city that you either love or you hate, there is no in between, but no matter how you feel about it, it captures your soul, it did mine anyway. And now, I am a little sad. I can only compare leaving to breaking up with a bad boyfriend. It's the right thing to do, the love is gone and there is more pain than joy remaining, but it still hurts. The fond memories are still there, the happy times are not forgotten, just masked by recent stresses. ANd when it is all said and done, I'm sure I will love my new home, but for now I am in mourning for the loss of what has become home to me these last eight years. The place where I "grew up."

11 days

I can't wait until I get to see actual wildlife and not just rats with wings.

12? I'm so confused...

Hello kitten.

13 days? and 22 days?

I am starting to lose count, but I think that's right. These days I can't seem to figure out which end is up. But, it's almost over, yea.

23 days to move, 15 days till hubby!

Well, tonight I did a very irresponsible thing, in fact, it's the first irresponsible thing I've done in quite a while. And it felt so good.
I bought a plane ticket to fly out and see my family.
I finish school on December 10 at 9:30pm. I fly to Wyoming on December 11 at 1pm. Why is this irresponsible, you ask?
Well, my internship doesn't (didn't) officially end until December 20. So, I am basically skipping out on my last two weeks. But really, I just don't care. The thought of being here alone for one more day makes me physically ill and I am over it. So, responsibility be damned, I am going to visit my babies!
But, I am going to fly back to NYC on Dec 16, so that I can give my final presentation (on a different internship) and officially graduate from Columbia University with my Master's Degree! Then, Michael will fly in and we will drive away together.
So, the countdown has been shortened. And in just two weeks I will be able to eat dinner with the real Michael, and not just Mikey on a Stick.

24

When I emerged from my safe little cave today I was blinded by the sun. Walking south on Broadway, squinting against the bright orb overhead, I realized that soon this light shock will be but a memory. Soon, I will live in a place with windows that actually allow light to enter, a place where the sun is blocked by mountains, not buildings, a place where the water is clean and the air is fresh and crisp. A place where stress takes a back seat and the important things in life aren't bought in a boutique or delivered by a little Mexican.
24 days. It feels like an eternity still.

25!!!!

Well, we knew it wouldn't be long before I turned into my Mother. It's official I am now the crazy cat woman who lives in the basement! What has become of me?! How did my once semi-glamorous globe trotting life end up like this? When did I stop shaving my legs and start cutting tangles out of my cat's ass fur?!
Only 25 more days. No, actually, in 9 days I will have my life back. No more cave dwelling and eating food from the freezer. School will be done and life can begin again!

26 days, aka 4 weeks

I am the child of divorce, a broken family, the product of two people who could not make it work. And growing up I was always torn between my two parents, always caught in a battle between them. Who did I love the best? Who made the rules? Whose advise was I supposed to seek and to follow? Who got me on which holiday and what was I supposed to do when after 30 years apart my parents still couldn't get along?
Then, there were my two step-sisters and half brother. This family that was so close that I was only a part of every other weekend and for a month in the summer. They had their own secret club complete with handshakes and passwords and no matter what I did, I was never granted membership. Sure, they pretended to include me, let me play their games, but the closeness shared between the three of them never quite reached me. I was never privy to the secrets, to that special bond shared by siblings. I could never get in.
Now, I am a 30 year old woman. Married, no kids, and just about to start a new career in a new town, a new life, a new beginning. A fresh start. Some people would look at my life and tell me I was so lucky. I have a good husband, a loving mother, friends who truly care... but the illusive family... I still don't have.
And now, after 30 years of trying to belong or trying to fit in, I'm tired of it. I give up. I will never be a member of that family. No matter what I say or what I do. No matter how many birthday cards I send or Christmas cards I write. No matter how many holidays I sacrifice and hurt people that truly love me for them, it will never be enough. So, I made a decision that most people would probably not agree with, but in my heart I know that it is what I have to do, and that is to cut them off. I will no longer put myself in the hurtful environment of my two step-sisters. And holidays will be reserved for my husband, my mother, his family, and perhaps my half-brother(he's still a good man.) Don't get me wrong, I will always love them, but if I want to continue loving them, this is what I have to do. So, goodbye Amanda and Gretchen, God be with you.

27 Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, this was my last holiday in New York and I finally got to see Snoopy in the Parade! Yea!
So, I guess I can add that to the list of things I have to be thankful for today.
Also on my thankful list are my family and my friends. Next, I am thankful that I am almost finished with school. I am thankful that I will be joining my sweet family in 28 days in the most beautiful place in the world. I am thankful for all of the opportunities that have been given to me in my life. I am thankful that I have travelled the world and seen so many beautiful people and places. I am thankful for chocolate and for mashed potatoes. I am thankful for the Clorox Bleach pen and for Chi, the man who does my laundry. I am thankful for vellum and the ability to erase permanent marker. And for down blankets and puffy coats and the world wide web. I am thankful for Blackberrys and cell phones and the fact that the world is truly shrinking with technology.
Today, I am thankful for so many things, including having had the pleasure (and displeasure) of living in New York. And while I know it is time to move on, I will never regret any of the experiences I had here and I will always be thankful for the varied lessons that I learned. So, thank you New York (and thank you Macy's for finally putting Snoopy back in the Parade!)

29 Yeah

Well, we finally broke 30! Yeah!

The Big 30

Well, today it really felt like winter. Cold. Rainy. Grey. Gross.
Winter in New York can be good. The bums stay underground because it's so yucky, but winter in New York can also be bad. Everyone heads underground (to the trains) because it is so yucky.
Sidewalks get sludgy, pant hems get destroyed, hardwood floors get grimey... But, there is also the sparkle.
Decorations come out, lights are strung, boughs are lain in all the tree rings to prepare for Spring... and the hibernating bulbs...
One more thing to miss.

31 One month to go

Well, since seven months of the year have 31 days then I guess I can safely say that there is only one month to go now.
That still feels like so long. 31 days. 744 hours. 44,640 minutes. 2,678,400 seconds. Give or take.

32, I can't belive it's only been 16 days!

Sometimes little brothers are good for something.
I don't know how he knew that I was having a horrible day, that I was truly doubting my own existance and wondering why God would ever create this mad idea of family and togetherness and love and goodwill... I don't know how he knew that all I wanted was my baby, but he did.
And now, knowing that my "angel" is having a great day running and playing all free and wild in a huge yard with my current favorite family member, well, my day is a little better.

33333333333333333333

This is another thing I will miss. Park days. Just me and the pups and a day of people watching in the Park. I know that there will be a million great adventures in the really wild outdoors of Jackson, but I always kind of liked the lazy days just laying on a blanket, pretending to read, just being.

34 mo'

My job might be boring, and it might be a total waste of my time, but at least I have a nice view.

35

Ok, there's the sky picture.

36

So, I had this beautiful picture of the sun breaking through the clouds and I was going to write this amazing post about blue skies coming and well, the sun breaking through the clouds... But obviously, no picture. So, instead I will just say, it is almost over. In 35 days I will have my family back and in 26 days I will have a Master's Degree! Yeah Me!

37

Tonight, as I was riding the train, packed in tighter than a can of sardines with a hundred smelly Bronx assholes, I had a revelation. In just 37 days I will finally get the normal life that I have always craved. In 37 days I will get to go to a job Monday - Friday from 9 - 5 and come home to my family and do nothing else. We can have dinner. We can make plans. We can relax. We can have no obligations. We can just live.
I actually smiled. On the train. I smiled.

38

I took this picture on a beautiful summer day. The sky was clear, the air was clean (for New York) and we were in Brooklyn. Ahh, the romance...
Seriously, I hope that when I look back on our life together in New York that I will only remember the good days. The bike rides, the park days with the dogs, the cupcakes, the shows, the coffee walks, and all of the other little rituals that we developed over the years. One day, I hope to look back and actually miss it enough to want to move back... Well, maybe not move back, but at least visit (for a while).

39

First a cockroach, now a squirrell. It's a mad mad world and I appear to be under attack by NYC "wildlife." This is in addition to the strange clicking noise coming from behind the couch. I am imagining a giant rat eating its way through the wall, but I am hoping it is the hot water flowing through the pipes, either way, I am a little concerned for my safety. See, a rat is bad. But steam exploding out of the wall is very bad.

Lordy lordy, down to 40

Ok, so apparently I am retarded today and can't get a photo to attach to this post. But, that's beside the point. Only 40 more days to go.

41 more

Most people in New York live in one of the outer boroughs and commute into Manhattan everyday for their jobs. But me? Well, I've always done things "bass akwards," as my Nanny used to say, and I live in Manhattan and commute to Queens everyday for my job. Crazy, I know.
But, until 7 days ago one good thing about my job was the view. Every morning as I approached the warehouse where my office is located I could look across the river and see Michael's building, and knowing that I could "see" him always brought a smile to my face.
Now though, the view's not so great. In fact, It's kind of lonely now looking over and knowing that he's not there. The city seems empty. Strange, I know, when there are still ten million people surrounding me. It's really kind of amazing to think that one small person can leave such a huge hole in the space they once occupied.

42 to go

Well, it turns out that we didn't live in the oldest building in New York. (It just felt that way) Thie is the first "skyscraper" to be built in Manhattan.

43

Looking down on the city is a new experience for me. I have gotten used to being down in the thick of it, walking with the masses, just one of the rats you could say. But this new job of mine has awarded me with a whole new perspective of this cess pool that I currently live in. A perspective that I wish everyone could enjoy. See, the city isn't so bad from the 19th floor. Car horns go silent, screams go unheard, and well, looking down on the birds is really kind of cool. This is the view from Glen Close's (yes, Cruella DeVille) apartment overlooking Central Park and I would be willing to bet that her "view" of NYC is much different from mine.

4 Down, 44 To Go

Some people might see this as grafitti, or even as trash. Not me. I see this as overflow art.

45 Days... a day early

Walking through New York is always an interesting experience. I've always kind of thought that it is a city filled with hidden art and random beauty, like this store window just north of Chinatown. Even on an ugly street, next door to a mission, beauty can still shine through if you're only open to seeing it.

46 days

It's harder than I thought it wuld be to crawl into bed at night without the wall my husband has become. His swishing feet and clearing throat have become a constant in my nighttime travels and the apartment is awfully quiet without his varied noises and the clicking paws of my babies on our hardwoods. I can hardly wait until December 20.

47 days...

Sometimes you go through life thinking that you never really make a difference and that your own life is just pretty insignificant. I know that I feel like this most days, and I know that my sweet husband always feels like this. He's a bit of an Atlas, always carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. So, I'm glad that before he left NYC behind that he had the opportunity to see how much of an impact he had in this bitter place. Drinking liters of German beer can be a truly bonding experience and I'm glad that everyone came out to wish him farewell and good luck.

Bye bye Mikey...

The countdown has now officially begun. 48 days to go. Then, Mikey will fly home to save me, much like the Superman that he is! I love you.