Inappropriate behavior

For anyone who flies I have compiled a list of inappropriate behaviors. I ask that you please commit these to memory and refrain from engaging in them on any and all airplanes.
It is completely inappropriate to:
1- wear pajamas on an airplane (and house slippers)
2- wear a bathing suit on an airplane (and then ask for a blanket because you're cold)
3- walk around barefoot on an airplane
4- poke a flight attendant in the ass to get their attention as they walk past
5- ring your call light to have a flight attendant retrieve something from the overhead bin for your lazy ass
6- make-out on an airplane
7- watch porn on your computer with/or without sound
8- clip your toenails and/or fingernails in your seat
9- change your baby's diaper in the seat
10- give said diaper to the flight attendant when they are picking up trash
11- paint your fingernails or remove nail polish
12- sit with your feet on the bulkhead wall (this is especially true for men in shorts)
I could go on, but the fact that I came up with twelve in less than two minutes and the fact that all of these occurred on my two flights today has led me to realize that I want to die so I must go and drink myself into a happy place so that I won't kill the stupid ass mother fuckers who seem to flock to my flights. Lord help us all if this is how these idiots always act, our world is destined to blow up.

death or taxes, i choose death

I think the expression "death and taxes" is actually referring to the only two certainties we have in this life, but I would like to change that. I think that "death and taxes" is actually referring to the fact that death is the next logical step after doing one's taxes with one's spouse. For three days.
Federal taxes are bad enough. Although, after purchasing TaxCut and inputting all the necessary information and realizing that we are getting a nice chunk of change back from Uncle Sam, much to Michael's dismay (he's one of those sick fucks who thinks it's better to break even at the end of the year because why should we loan our money to the government and all that silly nonsense.) But I digress, the federal taxes weren't so bad.
Then we get to New York State and Part-time New York City Resident taxes.
These are a bitch. And not just any bitch. The kind of bitch that you want to grab by nappy-hair-and-throw-into-a pile-of-cow-shit-while-stomping-on-her-over-made-up- whore-ass-face kind of bitch.
Four screaming fits, three door slammings, two crying spells, one apology to parents for one screaming fit while on phone with said parents, one call to NY State Tax Assistance Hotline, three forms and eight pages later we now owe NYC taxes in the amount of $887 (+ a penalty for underpayment of city taxes because Michael's company neglected to withhold city taxes from his wages.)
So, in the end the government didn't get a "free loan" from us this year. And what have we learned from this boys and girls?
H & R Block is a cheap price to pay for preserving your marriage.

Let it snow

The Blizzard of 2006!
The newscasters up here are so dramatic. I mean really, 26 1/2 inches of snow in five hours really isn't that big of a deal. Not in normal parts of the world anyway. For example, my baby brother lives in Idaho Falls, the land of snow and ice, 2 1/2 feet of snow is a fart in the wind for him. Our friend in Jackson Hole, heck that's not even good powder for them. But in New York, 2 1/2 feet of snow added to the mix of 8 million crazy fuckers, well, that's a different story.
However, I will say this, New York never shuts down, not even for the biggest snow on record. Grocery stores were open, buses were running, the little bicycle delivery guys were all still out delivering their General Tso's. In fact, for a Sunday in the city I think there were actually more people out and about than usual.
So, Michael and I decided to join them.
We took the dogs on a little urban hike and got to witness first hand the crazies in action.


Central Park was filled with sledders of all ages and the streets up to the park were full of snow shoers and cross country skiers.


And the snow and ice didn't even start to slow down the fashionistas in their furs and stilettos. It was awesome. I think the only thing that was really affected was the airports, and they even opened late last night. So, despite all of the hype on the news, life went on. In fact, this morning it's almost like yesterday never happened. If it weren't for the feet of black sludge piled up along the streets we could probably all pretend it never did.