Cooper James Lee

Cooper and mom, Amanda

Cooper James Lee

Copper was born by C-section at 7:30pm Central time. He weighed 9lbs 15oz and was 22 inches long. He has blue eyes and dimples and according to my two sisters is quite the little looker. I can't wait to meet him.

Cooper James Lee

Before the day is over I will have a new nephew. My sister will be a mom. And I won't be there to share in the most special moment of her life.
I miss my flight benefits.

36 hours to go

Well, on Wednesday Michael and I will once again set out on the epic road trip home to Tennessee. Me, him, two dogs, one cat, and twelve hours of road...I am so excited.
No, really, I am truly excited. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving in seven years and I can't wait to be in the warm embrace of my family eating turkey and soaking up all the love I can in three days.
I even get to go shopping with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law on Black Friday; another event that I've missed the last seven years. And these women are serious shoppers. I fully intend on exhausting myself with them and probably killing Michael in the process because his least favorite activity is shopping.
And finally, on Saturday we are going to the UT vs. KY game at Neyland Stadium! Go Vols! Yet one more activity I've missed out on these last seven years.
There was a lot to be said for flying around the world and being a gypsy but there's even more to be said for friends and family and celebrating the holidays with the people you love. And even though I will not be making a special announcement at the dinner table this year I am confident that one day I will. (Hey, there's always Christmas, right?)

Escaping

This last weekend Michael and I flew to Santa Fe to visit my parents. I had been both dreading and looking forward to this trip for a long time, so it came as a bit of a surprise that it went off as easily as it did.
I had really wanted to be able to tell my family that Michael and I would be finally starting our own family and when I realized that wasn't going to happen, well, I really didn't want to go anymore. Then Michael and I started having problems and school got hectic and well... Normally I wait until I actually get around my father to break out in hives but this time the tell-tell stress rash popped up a week before we left.

But, thankfully my premature freak out was not necessary. The trip went off without too many hitches and I truly enjoyed being in the warm embrace of my daddy in his beautiful new home. It was also nice to be out of this hellish city that has somehow become my home and to experience fresh air and Walmarts and interstates and just normal life. We hiked and I got to take pictures, we went to the Georgia O'Keeffe museum, ate deliciously spicy chile infused food, and just enjoyed life.

Now, we are back in NYC and life must go on. I am hoping that our recent vacation rejuvenated us both enough to get us back on track to the life that we once had. It's so hard sometimes to put all of life's stresses aside and to be thankful for the things that once meant the world to us. The need to be bigger and better and to have more just seems to take over sometimes and being thankful for the small things becomes an impossibility amidst the madness of everyday life.
Getting away showed me that my sweet husband is still there, and he does still love me and we are still better together than we would be apart. I just hope that the foulness that is NYC will not infect us again and that if it does we will both be able to see that the city may be bad, but we are good and that in the end that's all that matters.

Am I really old enough to even consider this?

Earlier this week my sister called to tell me that she has been sentenced to bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. She is suffering from preemclampsyia (sp?) and now the doctor is saying that she will probably deliver in the next few weeks, not the middle of December. This turn of events really got me thinking about mine and Michael's own struggle with children.
I can't really say that we are at the end as far as trying to conceive goes. We have not tried any fertility treatments and while my doctor has tested me and says that nothing is wrong with my ovaries or my uterus or my tubes, Michael has not been tested, and will likely never be tested. Again, it goes back to the whole it will happen when it happens thing. I do track my ovulation and I know when we should be bumping uglies and we normally do, but again, nothing.
Then there's Amanda. She's had an abortion... She's not married... She still lives with a room-mate... Is she really "old enough" to be a mom? Am I? Is Michael?
The first time she was pregnant I offered to adopt her unborn child. She didn't take me seriously, but I was. I cried and, regretfully, hated her just a bit for taking away my opportunity to finally be a mom. This time I didn't offer, and neither did she. She is already in love with baby Cooper, rightfully so, and I can't wait to meet him and smother him with Auntie E love. But that leads me back to my original dilemma. When will I be a mom?
Adoption. I always joked as a child that I didn't want to have my own kids (maybe God took me for my word) and said that I would rather adopt. This drove my own mother absolutely crazy. All she wants is for her beautiful daughter to reproduce and create a beautiful grand-daughter for her to spoil even more rotten than she did me.
Now, I am actually considering it. An agency offers adoption in other countries and I got the packet of info in the mail yesterday. I told Michael. "How much does it cost?" he asked. He's a finance guy, it's just his way, he didn't mean to break my heart with his question, that's just the way his mind works. He doesn't see adoption as a way to complete our family, I don't know how he sees it actually because all he's said is that his company will reimburse part of the cost. Again, he doesn't "hear" what he's actually saying. He doesn't know how to deal with certain adult emotional issues... So, he brings the financial aspect into everything because that's what he knows, it's what he's comfortable with, it's safe. He can "fix" finances, he can't "fix" his wife's need to have a child and he hasn't realized yet that I'm tired of waiting for it to "just happen." It's not going to "just happen." I've lived over two years of it not "just happening." And my heart has been broken 25 times by 25 boxes of tampons. I'm done. I want a child, not another dog, I want a child. If it won't grow inside of me, so be it, I want a family. I need more. I need more of a purpose, more of a reason as to why I am actually here. And I need for Michael to understand this need, for him to offer more than his company's adoption reimbursement information. I want his heart to be in it, not his wallet.
So... What now? I guess that's what we need to start talking about.