Guilt trip 101

So, I have decided that my I am in fact the daughter of a Jewish Mother. Not that she attends synagogue or cooks kosher style meals, but when it comes to dishing out the guilt my mother is a fucking Rabbi.
I finally convinced her to come to NYC for Thanksgiving. Notice I had to CONVINCE her to come to the greatest city on Earth to spend THANKSGIVING with her ONLY DAUGHTER!
"Oh, honey. I just don't know. My back is really bothering me, wouldn't it be easier if you just drove 13 hours home to Tennessee? (with your grumpy ass husband and two delinquint dogs!)"
"What do you mean I have to fly through Tampa? Can't you call Delta and have them arrange a direct flight for me that leaves after noon? Don't they know your poor old mother can't manage that much flying on her own?"
"No, sweetie, don't you dare fly all the way to Tampa to meet me. I'll be just fine. Maybe one of the nice stewardesses on the plane will be willing to help me." (Note, this translates into you are not a nice stewerdess, much less a nice daughter because you won't fly to Tampa after working the all-nighter from San Francisco just so I don't have to fly alone.)
Oy Vey

Just put it in the freezer

On Tuesday I received a letter that I knew I was going to receive but it broke my heart all the same. This is the fourth such letter that I have received on official letterhead from my company in the last six years and each one I have saved. The first one was waiting on my doorstep for me when Michael and I returned from our honeymoon in October 2001.
WARN, it said in big black letters, ...in this time of financial difficulties... hard decisions about labor... you may be affected by a possible furlough...
I took my life in my own hands and took a leave of absence. For the next six months I piddled and gardened and lost 35 pounds, then I went back to work refreshed.
One year later...
WARN...more financial difficulties...another possible furlough...you may be affected...
And then just to make sure I understood they sent me another letter one month later.
WARN...blah.blah.blah.
This time I was furloughed. Thankfully after a year selling AFLAC and working as a manual laborer for a landscaper I was recalled again and returned to the not so friendly skies.
Then on Tuesday I found myself clutching my forth nastygram and crying on my husband's Brook's Brothers shirt.
"Just stick it in the freezer," he said. "It can't hurt you from in there."
"What?"
"Just stick it in the freezer."
So I did. I put the bad letter in the freezer. Sometimes my husband is pretty damn sweet.

Ben Stein's money?

Imagine my surprise today when I am pushing my little food cart down the aisle selling my semi-tasty sandwiches, salads, and Twizzlers when I look down at no other than Ben Stein (Bueller? Bueller?).
Well, my first thought was, "Why would Ben Stein be flying on my little low-fare subsidiary?" And then I thought, "Well, why the hell not?"
So, I asked him, "Would you like to purchase any food from my cart?"
"You mean you're actually going to make me pay?" he asked so innocently.
"Well, I don't see why not, can't I take Ben Stein's money?"
"Touche', my dear. Touche'."

Gary Busey?

Sometimes good advise can come from a pretty unlikely source. Take for instance a Southern Baptist preacher on his way to Israel to minister to "the infidels" who just so happens to look exactly like Gary Busey (the big toothed actor famous for his portrayals of whacked out crazy psychopath).
He told me that I need to look to my youth to figure out what I want to do with my life now. That sometimes the dreams of our childhood are what God intended for us to do because children apparently have a direct link to the Big Guy.
Well, as a child I wanted to be a teacher so that I could have summers off during which I would be a firefighter by day and a ballerina by night.
"Look at your later dreams," he tells me, as he looks at me like I'm the crazy one in the conversation. (Honestly, who just called an entire country's population infidels?)
"What did you want to be before everyone told you that you couldn't do it?"
That was a little tougher to answer.
But after a little thought, and a few cups of coffee, and a diet coke... and some peanut butter M & Ms...
Well, I remembered at one point I wanted to be an architect, that is until my dad and my drafting teacher told me I was a stupid girl and couldn't possibly ever succeed at such a manly career.
Well, maybe now is the time that I looked into this "childish" dream. Maybe I could be the next Frank Lloyd Wright, maybe I could finally leave my mark on the world since I so obviously am not going to ever leave my DNA behind.
Maybe a Gary Busey look-a-like religious fanatic is the man that will finally lead me to my salvation.

Who's letting these people out?

Yesterday I met a woman who was by far the dumbest human being walking around today. And before I tell you what she asked, let me tell you that she was out flying around the country completely unsupervised without any assistance whatsoever. Let me also say that in six years of flying I have been asked some pretty stupid questions, but hers, by far, was the dumbest.
Here we are flying at 36,000 ft above the ocean and this woman dings me and with a completely straight face asks,
"We're above sea level, right?"
"Excuse me?" I manage to say.
"Are we above sea level?"
"I certainly hope so."
"Well, how far above sea level are we?"
"Is this a trick question? We're flying at 36,000 ft."
"Right, I know that, but how far above sea level are we?"
Now, picture me smiling and walking away.

Kool-Aid Anyone?

Let's all raise our glasses of Kool-Aid and give a toast to the powers that be at a certain unnamed airline(Doesn't Ever Leave The Airport). Here's to you oh mighty shareholders sitting in your fancy offices counting your bonuses for coming up with the genius plan of closing the only successful venture your airline has had in the last 40 years. I can just hear the conversation now,
"Yes, let's get rid of our employees at the bottom of the payscale to make room for our employees at the top of the payscale."
"Yes, let's get rid of the employees who have won over 30 awards for customer service to make room for the employees who are listed as the second rudest flight attendants in the industry (thanks United for coming in last)."
"Yes, let's get rid of the employees who actually enjoy their jobs and have one of the highest employee satisfaction ratings in the industry to make room for the lowest employee satisfaction group in the industry."
Genius.
Call it a merging of brands, call it bringing the best of two products together, call it the Mother-Fucking-End-All-Be-All-Best-Idea-We-Ever-Had, whatever, just quit force feeding us this corporate bullshit like we're a bunch of idiots who can't tell when a giant dildo has been shoved up our asses. How about a little honesty, how about a little integrity, how about a little accountabiity?
"WE LIED, We know we lied, we're sorry, but that's life, you're going to lose your jobs in May, but you can't leave until May and you're our little drones until then. So, bend over and keep quiet while we continue shoving this dildo up your asses!"
That's all they have to say, then we could just go and continue singing our little Songs until then.