Thinking out loud

My sister's due date is fast approaching. Dec 10, and then she won't just be a sister, she'll be a mom. She's been sending me pictures of her ultrasound and with every one I'm able to see baby Cooper a little better and every one makes me a little more sad.
I'm sad that my lovely sister is all alone with this alien growing inside of her. I'm sad that our dad still won't speak of her, much less to her. I'm sad that I live 20 hours away and no longer have the superhero power of flight to reach her at a moment's notice. And I'm sad that little Cooper isn't mine... God missed. He hit the wrong sister with the stork. And I'm sad that I feel that way, but I do.
I can't understand how one night of "love" with a deadbeat could lead to the creation of a baby for a girl who has struggled her whole life with money and emotional issues and job woes and family woes... And yet...She gets a baby. And then, me, the so-called Golden child that everything always works out for and "oh, look at Erin, she always gets everything she wants, she's so blessed..." Well, apparently I'm not as lucky as everyone thought.
For a long time I've been telling myself that God didn't want to bless us with a child because Michael and I were having so many problems with each other. That God could see the future and wouldn't bring a baby into such an unstable relationship. I've also convinced myself that Michael doesn't want kids, that's an easy out too. But now. Well, we've both been trying to be nicer, he's been bringing home flowers, we're talking, he held my hand last night until I fell asleep and didn't push me away when I snuggled into his back later on. He's trying and so am I. And, he does want kids, he just doesn't get the pain that I do, he has so much on his plate already, he doesn't have time to worry about something he thinks will "happen when God is good and ready." He doesn't understand. And he doesn't like me sad so discussing the issue is not something he will do.
I wanted to go see my dad in a few weeks and tell him he was going to have a grandchild to be proud of. I wanted to drive home for Thanksgiving and announce it over the dinner table. I wanted maternity clothes for Christmas. Who knows. Maybe I'll get my wish, but I'm not counting on it.