Swimming in the Black Sea of assholes

I used to be a staunch defender of New York City and the people who inhabited this shit hole. I used to take great pleasure in telling people that as a flight attendant I had the great honor of flying out of "the capital of the world." I used to wear it like a badge of honor that I could call it my part-time home... Then I moved here, full-time.
Now, I walk around with my hands in my pockets for fear of touching one of the disease leaden assholes that surround me everywhere I go, head down, shoulders forward, barreling my way along the shit covered sidewalks. (They are literally covered with shit where inconsiderate assholes neglect to clean up after their dogs.) Now, I no longer make excuses like, "Oh, New Yorkers aren't rude, they just know what they want and they want it now." No, my mistake. They are rude. They are inconsiderate. They are ignorant. They are, for the most part, all self-centered, self-righteous assholes. There is a distinct difference between New Yorkers and people who are raised in normal, civilized, Southern society.
People in the South say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me." New Yorkers say "it's not my problem" and "fuck you" and "excuse you." It hurts my heart. A Southerner, male or female, would gladly give up their seat on the train for the elderly or for a woman, up here I watch teenagers push old women out of the way to beat them to a seat, and then laugh about it. In the South men hold doors and pull out chairs, up here men barrel past you and seem to make a concerted effort to shut the door in a woman's face - the whole anti-women's-lib effort. Again, my heart breaks.
I've tried to be the better person. Naively believing that if I behaved properly then people around me would do the same, follow my lead, pay-it-forward and all that shit. Yeah, no, that isn't working. People are still assholes, even more so I think. So, now I am going to go the other way. No, I'm not going to be an asshole, but I am going to start carrying a big green dildo with me everywhere I go and just whack people with it whenever they are rude to me. That would be a lesson they would never forget. "Oh my God! I can't believe you just hit me with a giant green dildo!" Yeah, well, I can't believe you're such an asshole, so I guess we're even. Have a good day.