Monday, February 26, 2007

I've been thinking...

For the past few months Michael and I have been doing a lot of talking about the future and what it holds for us. Where do we want to live? Should we keep trying to have a baby? What do I want to do when I finish school? What does his career future look like? So many questions... so much uncertainty... so much, 'What now?'
All this unrest, all this questioning, well, quite frankly, it's stressing me out just a bit.
I don't know where I want to live. I know where I don't want to live, and that's here, but who's to say that another town or another city would be any better? There are bad people everywhere. Does a Southern accent really make them better? Would a car and a mortgage solve all of our problems? We fought with our neighbors in Tennessee. Police were called, fences were built, jobs were quit and houses were sold. They were unmistakenly Southern... maybe it's us...
And this whole baby nonsense. I joke with Michael that my ovaries can hear everytime he calls a kid on the train a 'disease spreader,' but really, can they? Is it our situation that is keeping us from reproducing? Can my ovaries look out and see that we have no room (both literally and figuratively) for a baby right now in our life? I'm almost thirty. Women are having kids at forty, fifty, even sixty... is there really a rush? Do I even want a baby right now? I've finally managed to lose a little weight, I know it sounds selfish, but I REALLY want to look hot in my little brother's upcoming wedding photos. I was a chunky monkey in mine, nows a chance for a little retribution.
And then there's my career. Do I have what it takes? Can I really be a landscape designer? What if I fail at this? I never learned Dutch, and that really disappointed Michael. What if I disappoint him again? I couldn't stand it. He's only up here because of me and we only stay here because of my school... it would all be for nothing. All the stress, all the bad, all the misery... and it would be all my fault. More questions that I just don't have the answers for.
And then there's Michael. My dreamer. I've never met a person who wants to be so much. A weatherman, a storm chaser, a lawyer, a professional kayaker, a sailboat captain, head of the firm, a police officer, a bartender... I could go on. And the thing about it is that he could be any of those things, he could be ALL of those things... I just don't know if my heart could take it. All the uncertainty, all the moving around, all of the unstability. There's something to be said for being born in a place, growing up in a place, building a life in a place, and dying in a place. Familiarity. Safety. Security.
Deep breath. Serenity now. In with the good, out with the bad... all of my mantras are currently out of order. I only hope that I can find just one answer to the myriad of questions that won't seem to quit pestering my mind.

1 Comments:

At Thu Mar 01, 12:49:00 PM, Blogger PaintingChef said...

I'll move back if you will...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home